You are reading

Polyamorously Proud by Janet Kira Lessin


Articles Authors Janet Kira Lessin Polyamory

Polyamorously Proud by Janet Kira Lessin

Polyamory, Three Polyamorous People in BedroomPOLYAMOROUSLY PROUD
by Janet Kira Lessin, Chief Focalizer, World Polyamory Association
Obama comes out for gay marriage. A psychology conference discusses the value of polyamorous relationships. Miss America candidate’s born male. Time to come out of the closet. Declare your gender, orientation and relationship choice.

You may have been born male or female. But what gender is your soul? I now have several transgendered friends–some pre, some post-op. Today there are options, choices beyond birth.

I was born female and consider myself a woman. But I have to move into my masculine side to lead, teach, direct or guide. I’m confused as to how I can lead through my feminine self for I have no role models to do so. The female leaders of this world do so through their masculine. Yet instinctively I know there must be a way to be empowered yet remain feminine.

Mickey Diamond who taught/teaches at the University of Hawaii, Manoa researched hermaphrodism and reported to his colleagues at a global symposium in the early 1990s that two out of 100 births are hermaphrodites. Parents and doctors collaborate and secretly make genitalia choices for their child without telling him or her or friends and relatives. The shame is so severe around these abnormal births, that few know how many secret surgeries are done in infancy.

There are 7 billion people on this planet right now and that means, if you do the math, that 70 million people in the world have been born both sexes. I wonder how many have been born that way since births began? Perhaps it’s time we rethink gender completely for it seems we have at least three genders.

In reality, sexuality/gender is more likely a cline (continuum, an overlap), for how many times have you seen masculine females and feminine males? Sometimes I can’t tell which sex someone is.

Several times I’ve seen transgendered people go from male to female and despite their new hormones and operations, they remain more masculine than feminine. Some, like the Miss America candidate are so gorgeous you’d never guess they were once male in a million years. Sometimes post op men to women turn lesbian and chose women to date. It’s all very confusing unless we begin to open up our minds and start accepting the true diversity of our human species.

I am bisexual, hetero leaning which means I love both sexes, love making love with both, have had major, life-compelling relationships with both. But I tend to be with men more often than woman, especially like being with my man, my husband, Sasha. I have more stimulating, intellectual conversations with men than women. I feel more at home with men than women. I have more difficulties with my female relationships. Yet, I miss relating with women and long for deeper understanding of the feminine mind despite the fact that I am female.

My formative years were spent mainly with my girl friends until menses at age 13 when my attention shifted to boys. In fact, my gang of girlfriends abandoned each other for boys then their children when they came along. I never had quite the same relationships with woman as I had when I was a child for I wasn’t able to have children, so I didn’t bond with my friends who became mothers in the same way as I would have had I had children of my own.

Gender’s more realistically a cline, same with sexual preference and relationship styles/choice.

I’m polyamorous, monogamous leaning. I love everyone. I don’t like to live with everyone. I don’t even like to relate with most people on a personal level because our personalities are incompatible. Our morals and values don’t jive. Our tastes differ. Our energy’s out of sync. So I keep people in casual, general or friend mode.

I’m extremely picky about sexual partners. I’m very sensitive to energy and I don’t want certain energies too close to my energetic field let alone actually, physically touching me–or heaven forbid, penetrating me. My picky-ness prevents that level of intimacy, which is fine, for ultimately it protects me from disease and drama.

Relationships are sacred. When I do find connection its ultimately a soul-mate type of thing where solar flares, sky rockets and fireworks illuminate the darkest sky. I am capable of great intimacy. I can go very deep with the apparent other and together we reach the stars, touch the face of God him/herself.

In my counseling practice plus through observation and reflection, I notice that people respond negatively through fear, judgment, projection, prejudice to that which they fear or on some deep, repressed, unconscious, psychological level, they desire. Otherwise, they’d be neutral. So my theory is those who judge those parts of society currently outside the box, like gays, lesbians, transgendered, polymorous, swingers, etc. really would like to cut lose and try it on for a while. Otherwise, they’d be neutral.

I’m also tantric, polyamorous, and a UFOlogist. What I find is sometimes one group of folks, like my polyamory friends for example, may judge my UFO part, or vice versa. So I find that even regarding my interests–polyamory, tantra and UFOs, I’ve had to compartmentalize myself due to prejudice, fear, ridicule and rejection. But no more.

It’s time to be real, true to myself, set myself free. I’m a complex being, as are all of us. I have wide and varied interests, many parts of me, and my interests reflect my various subpersonalities. I’m also now an elder, not the same person I was as a child or young adult. I suspect the longer I live, the more I’ll learn, grow and evolve and hopefully change. My friends and interests will also change. All of this is me and I pledge to be true to myself and be the best me I can be.

Janet Kira Lessin, author of Polyamory: The Poly-Tantra Lovestyle, facilitates the panel “How We Do Poly” and the workshop, “The Bi-Poly Option” at the Harbin Hot Springs California Polyamory & Tantra Conference, July 13-15. She also co-leads a one-day workshop, : “Tantra for Polys” at Harbin’s Conference Center, July 12.

She is the author of “Polyamory: Many Loves” and co-author of “How to Really Love A Woman.”

See for details and call Janet at 808 244-4103 or write her at, or for more info.