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KAMALA DEVI’S Top Polyamory Problemswith Being Open, Married and Dating


Alternative Relationships Articles Non-Monogamy Polyamory

KAMALA DEVI’S Top Polyamory Problemswith Being Open, Married and Dating

Polyamory Problems

Just for fun, I decided to conduct a poll to see what are the top 10 poly problems. Since humor is often the best way to rise above our polyamory problems and see ourselves in a new light, I hope you don’t take this post too seriously. I asked my fans on Facebook and Twitter about their worse polyamory problem woes and took the funniest answers. I also searched #polyproblems on several blogs and threads and found the first poly problem: Poly is also short hand for being Polynesian or graduating from CalPoly. 

 10. Loving many does not mean that you love everyone.

”If you don’t like your lovers lover, you have to choose between being alone while they go do something or being annoyed at hanging out with them both.” –Staples Kinky

 9. Just because your poly does not mean you’re promiscuous.

“Why do people always equate open relationships and polyamory with just wanting to sleep around? Can’t I like my lovers too?” –Anon

The whine-fests about who’s “really poly” versus who’s “just slutty” give me a headache. People, it’s an identity, not a 2+2 math problem. – mistressmatisse on Twitter.

8. Scheduling. There are only 7 nights in the week. 

Husband just straightfacedly told me ‘we have a problem, we need to talk…’ awk. silence: ‘you’re not dating enough people.–neomeruru gravida, Twitter.

When I was poly I traveled a lot and had a girlfriend in each place (with full disclosure naturally). Made scheduling a breeze. Of course it stopped working when my job that paid for business travel ended. –Kevin P. Facebook

7.  Dealing with Poly Stereotypes. 

Overheard a hipster boy at party last night: “The only problem I have with the poly community is that, by and large, they’re bi and large”–Burning Man ‏on Twitter.

6. Anti Poly Marriage propaganda.

Getting uncomfortable with this “gay marriage will lead to poly marriage” line. Why is consensual poly a problem?–Zoe O’Connell  on Twitter

Wedding invitations always say plus 1, where does that leave us?– Vanessa Carlisle from Showtime’s Polyamory: Married & Dating.

5. Sleeping Arrangements: Who sleeps in the middle?

If you have more than 3 people, how do you get a bed big enough?–Dawn Davidson, Facebook.

The classic Poly Problem: Who sleeps on the wet spot? Or should I say spots. – Annie Sprinkle Ph.D. is the prostitute/porn star turned artist/sexologist.

4. Most Sex Positive events are Mono-normative. 

When we are at a tantra event and the teacher says to pair up, I don’t know who to face first. – Ali Shanti

Lifstyle events, swing parties and sex clubs all seem to wink at bisexual girls but shut the door on male homosexuality. God forbid that two guys dicks should touch in a MFM group sex scene! — Michael McClure, Ethical Stud

3. Primary, secondary, tertiary status.

Getting a text message that reads: “my main relationship takes priority over you” message.”–Undercover Kinkster, Author of anonymous poly friendly blog

2. Having to reject people.

Everyone wants Me. –Leslie Cavagnero

That, and the perception by non-poly people that because I am poly, I am interested in dating/sleeping with everyone. That couldn’t be further from the truth. If anything, Im less interested than most monos….I’m too busy to be interested in anyone else. –Leeanne K. from Facebook

This Group Marriage Rejection Letter was a post to alt.polyamory by Elynne on 1/28/2001. And then re-posted on PolyFamilies. “I am sure that many of you who have poly familys or pages about poly familys get this thing from time to time.   I hope you find it as funny as I did.”

Dear (insert name here),

Thank you for your interest in joining our polyamorous family.  We’re pleased to know that you find our arrangements appealing, and that you are intrigued by one or more of our members.

However, I regret to inform you that we do not currently have any openings for new members in our household.  Please understand that this situation does not reflect negatively upon your personality, appearance, or credentials.

We will keep your application on file, and will hasten to nofity you if there is an opening in our family at some point in the future.  We do wish you luck in all your future endeavors.


(Poly Household Name)

1. Jealousy.

“I never thought jealousy would be a problem for polys.”–Katharina G. on Facebook.
“Jealousy is a terrible disease please Get well soon bitch!”– Anonymous
“My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous, the other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.” –Rodney Dangerfield.
Thank you to everyone who participated in my polyamory poll. I Hope you enjoyed this Top Ten List, I look forward to your comments on poly problems that were overlooked here, whether they are humorous or not. I recognize that some of these issues are dear to the heart of polys and may even be hard to laugh at. My intention is to lighten up and help open hearts, sometimes even in the midst of heartache.  In conclusion here’s an inspiring bit of wisdom I harvested in this process:
“My biggest problem is probably the perception that my relationships are somehow different from anyone else’s. My relationship issues are people issues, like failure to communicate. They’re problems I would have if I had 1 partner or 20.” –LK from Facebook.
Kamala Devi


Kamala Devi is a nationally recognized speaker, author, mentor and polyamory activist who created the Beyond Monogamy program to help open minded people liberate their love lives. She has been successfully navigating open relationships for over 15, in an open marriage for 10 years and is the mother of a beautiful 6 year old boy. Her family stars in Showtime’s hit docu-series,